Seriously Funny Shit - MUST READ!!

Completely off-topic conversational diarrhea that the rest of the internet won't let you post anywhere because it's so pointless and irrelevant to anything important.
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Hero of the Day
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Seriously Funny Shit - MUST READ!!

Post by Hero of the Day » Mon Apr 10, 2006 5:45 pm

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. " You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q And A
Hilariously Different
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-Hung.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, ten inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
International Rules Of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly" just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
Confidence comes in a brown bottle.

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Hellmark
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Re: random funny shit

Post by Hellmark » Tue Apr 11, 2006 5:59 am

Hero of the Day wrote:d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37seconds into "The Crying Game".
Anyone have a clue what that is? I've never seen that movie, and dont plan to
Hero of the Day wrote: 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
Dude, Female Ice Skating. Women in revealing tight clothing, having upskirt shots, and sometimes views of their nipples.

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Post by Venomous » Tue Apr 11, 2006 7:34 am

Heheh, this shit is awesome... kudos for taking the time to type this out dude...

My feedback and thoughts:-
Hero of the Day wrote:HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
Oh, well, to be PC then, I formally retract all previous statements about my last ex-girlfriend, and would like to instead state that she was simply a breasted Australian who was quite sexually extroverted, reality impaired, and a very previously-enjoyed companion, who, though she was quite vocally appreciative, and pectorally superior, turned out to be nothing more than a low cost provider who was frequently horizontally accessible to many recipients before, during, and after our relationship. >=P
Hero of the Day wrote:5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
Hahah, I love it. I'm so adopting this quote to describe myself. =P
Hero of the Day wrote:Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
{laughing out loud} Now THAT's good. >=D
Hero of the Day wrote:Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
{lol} These are all great, but this one is especially classic, because it's funny 'cause it's true!!
Hero of the Day wrote:2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
I don't get this one. Any man who cries at the possibility of seeing Angelina Jolie's boobs is quite obviously a homosexual, whose gay tears are trying to blear his vision from seeing breastage. If this one were reworded, to say, Judi Dench unbuttoning her blouse, then I'm totally with you, though.
Hero of the Day wrote:d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37seconds into "The Crying Game".
I haven't seen this either, but ANYBODY who hasn't been living under a tractor for 20 years knows what this is a reference to. Shit Keith, IMDB/Google it.
Hero of the Day wrote:5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
No way man - sisters are the Holy Grail of scores. If, and only if, a guy is considered one of your top five best friends in the whole world, and even only then if he specifically and in no uncertain terms asks you to stay away, is a sister off-limits. Short of that, they're open game, and you're in fact doing your buddy a favor seeing that she ends up with a nice guy like yourself instead of the assholes she normally dates.

This, however, is of course totally nullified if said sister is actually the fraternal twin of your buddy. That is just creepy.
Hero of the Day wrote:10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
Hahahahahah... I would say, if you try that and she doesn't kick you in the nuts, leave your apartment, kick something over on the way out, and key a swear word into your car before driving off in hers, THEN she's your girlfriend. Otherwise, you'll never see her again. >=P
Hero of the Day wrote:19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Unless your buddy is one of those self-absorbed image obsessed Fabio's, in which case this is okay only in the context of "Hey, nice six pack - does it work? {punch him in the guts as hard as you can}". =P
Hero of the Day wrote:22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Nah, this needs to be way more stringent. NEVER talk to a man in the men's room unless:-

a) It's your best friend or brother - you NEVER talk to strangers or people you don't know well, even if the rest of the criteria are met.
b) If you're both urinating, it's NOT at directly adjacent urinals, and there is at least one, preferably a minimum of three, UNOCCUPIED urinals between the two of you. If this is not possible, then even if it IS your best buddy, make like you're in boot camp - eyes straight ahead and no talking!
c) All conversation within the men's room, even if it's while waiting in line or while washing your hands, must be kept to utterly neutral topics, like movies, sports, cars. No sexual references - not even about a hot chick - or anything that could even hint at being weird to discuss while somebody who has their penis in their hand might be in earshot.
d) Even if ALL the above topics are met, NO eye contact must ever be made within a men's room. Look at the wall, the floor, yourself in the mirror, your hands, but never look your buddy - or any other person in there - in the eye, or at their body. Ditto for communal showers, gym locker rooms, etc.
Hero of the Day wrote:28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
I'm with Keith on this one - ice skating is the next coolest sports to girl's gymnastics - skimpy outfits, all kinds of limber poses, and icy cold nipples. So long as it's women's solo, or you're talented at blocking your own peripheral vision so you can deliberately not look at a man in tights, ice skating is great to watch.

Anyways, this was great. Hope you don't mind Hero, I edited the thread subject line so it would stand out more from the other crap posted here, 'cause this lot was particularly hilarious! =P
- Venomous -

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Post by MP81 » Thu Apr 13, 2006 9:45 pm

Haha! All very funny there!

According to Urban Dictionary, "The Crying Game" is: "(n.) Sick ass movie about an IRA man feeling guilty for a British soldier he allowed to die and comforting his girlfriend. However, when Fergus and Dill are getting it on...watch the movie.

Mayor Quimby: The chick in the crying game is really a man


Crowd: boo!


Mayor Quimby: I mean...man, was that a good movie

Crowd: yay!
"

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Post by Hero of the Day » Sun Apr 30, 2006 11:32 pm

ok a few more about women
I think I got all the duplicates

** She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

*** She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

*** She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

*** She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

*** She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

*** She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

*** She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.


*** She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.


*** She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

*** She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

*** She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.


*** She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

*** She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

*** She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

*** She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

*** She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.


*** She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

*** She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

*** She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

*** She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

*** She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

*** She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

*** She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

*** She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

*** She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
Confidence comes in a brown bottle.

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Post by Venomous » Mon May 01, 2006 12:47 am

Hero of the Day wrote:*** She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
I thought artificial stimulation was masturbating with a dildo? =P

You duped up on Horny, btw. =)

These are great, though... =D
- Venomous -

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