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Retarded Trends & Hypes: Nordic Walking

Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 12:49 pm
by Jackie
I thought it had died. Maybe I was just fostering false hope that the human race can fix their mistakes and aspire to better ourselves, instead of trying to find the next low. But I was wrong. It still lives. The fad that makes make me want to grab people's ski poles and shove them down their throat has not passed over. I still see them on occasion. I do not want to look at them, but something about the sheer level of stupidity makes it nearly impossible to ignore. But perhaps ignoring the problem is not enough for it to go away. Perhaps it is time to take action to actively deal with the issue and make them understand they have to get lost forever.

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As much as I dislike trends of almost any kind, there is one that just makes me want to kill its supporters and followers. That trend is nordic walking. Whoever came up with the idea of nordic walking is probably laughing his or her ass off because that person is now filthy rich. It's one of those things that confirms there's probably no hope left for mankind.

Nordic walkers very much make me think of runners. You probably know the type I'm talking about. They wear tight, flashy sport suits -- which they don't need -- and run in places where they cause the most interference. Most runners I encounter don't walk in the park or on sidewalks. No, they walk on bike lanes. Particularly the busy ones. This is especially annoying and unnecessary when there's a sidewalk right next to it, which is the case 95% of the time. Runners often make a lot of noise and talk very loud so you will hear their life stories even if you don't want to. When they take a break, they make the most exaggerated gestures and obnoxiously stretch their legs against lantern poles and traffic signs. Even worse, they often run in packs, sometimes with up to 30 or 40 people, greatly increasing the irritation factor. One or two runners already have a fair bit of smug but in a large group they even feel entitled to use the entire width of the bike lane, bothering all the cyclists who try to pass them. It's not even uncommon that cyclists have to use the sidewalk to get around them. If you're wondering why these dickheads have to be so obtrusive, annoying, and why they seem to be trying to get noticed so badly, it's because it isn't about running at all. It's actually just a sad way of trying to fit in; a desperate call for attention.

Nordic walking is exactly like it, with the same kind of asshole types practicing it, the exact same kind of irritations, and the same kind of attention-whore mentality that drives it. It's actually identical in all its primary characteristics, except it's even worse. Nordic walking is being advertised as a sport, which is absurd as sport involves substantial physical activity. I don't know of anyone who regularly takes a walk and calls their strolls a sport. Because it isn't, and telling yourself otherwise would be deluded.

And yet suddenly there was nordic walking. It's nothing more than just taking a walk with a pair of ski poles. The poles serve absolutely no purpose, other than being a gimmick that makes walking seem less ordinary. Accessories like heart-rate monitors and wearable devices to measure the distance you've covered can also be bought to give a false sense of accomplishment. Paid classes have been organized, just like they do for runners who get started and want the emotional support and organized structure of a dedicated sport group to comfort them, further adding to the delusion that they're really doing something fulfilling and useful. Similarly with running they also sell accompanying flashy sports outfits, sports shoes, and gloves to complete the freak show. I will admit that as a business, it's brilliant because it appeals to dumb people. There is no shortage of dumbasses, no sir. That's why nordic walking exists. It does not exist because there was a desire for walking. Or because anyone wanted to walk around with attention grabbing outfits and ski poles. It was started because some money-hungry wolf saw an opportunity and seized it.

You know what would have happened if someone just decided out of the blue to walk around with ski poles? Everyone would be saying "What's wrong with him? Is he alright? Why does he not have a straitjacket on? Someone call the psychiatry ward!" However, because nordic walking was introduced by a company and advertised with paid classes, training programs(I'm not even kidding), outfits and gear, and probably a celebrity or two praising the atrocious display of mental retardation, everyone is suddenly alright with it and recognizes it as a valid form or recreation or even as a 'sport'.

They are even advertising nordic walking as an excellent and superior alternative to running, because it wouldn't put nearly as much strain on the joints. Gee, walking puts less strain on your joints than running. That makes me wonder how many nordic walkers are mentally challenged. Probably A LOT. If you don't realize how insanely dumb you look when you're walking around with a bunch of ski poles like you're an escaped mentally ill patient who's trying to figure out where the snow has gone to, you should seriously wonder if maybe you're not dangerous to society. There is a certain threshold of idiocy that once passed, makes you a threat to everyone's wellbeing.

The thing is, those idiots who jump aboard the nordic walking hype don't do it to get exercise, because then they would just have started walking on their own. The fact that they don't do that unless it's advertised and promoted as a sport or a hype confirms they are just trying to fit in and get attention. It really is quite sad.

These kind of people need to be taught a lesson. I do not approve of making an asshole out of yourself in public, but that is exactly what nordic walkers are doing. There's a certain air of smug and self-righteousness over them that is misplaced and must be punished. If we let people get away with being a complete jerk and acting like a bunch of insane turds, it's just going to get worse. I don't want to have to wonder "whats' next?" There should be no "next." The madness has to be stopped. I am not certain exactly what we should do with them though. That is why I am asking my readers, what do you believe we should do with them? Perhaps we could take their walking sticks and beat them up with it? Call them names and ridicule them? Or maybe we have to lobby to make nordic walking illegal on grounds of inappropriate public behavior? If anyone has suggestions, please share them, or submit your vote in the poll.

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Not only do they look like douchebags, they are douchebags</div>

Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:05 pm
by Jackie
Whoops. The poll is missing because I couldn't add it. The only thing worse than the disappointment of not being able to submit one's vote to an important poll, is the knowledge that nordic walkers are going to get away unpunished. Nooooooo!!!!!!

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Edit 22 march 2015: Poll is added, apparently I didn't have the privileges to add polls in the articles & feedback section. I guess that's why it was moved?

Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2015 3:43 pm
by Hellmark
Apparently that sorta thing just never caught on here. Looks fucking retarded. If you are going up steep hills, thats when you need the poles, but those fuckers in the picture are on flat paved ground.

Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2015 5:08 pm
by Jackie
No one needs ski poles when walking. Not even uphill, unless you're an age-old granny or a cripple. I hate to ask, but... which are you?

Nordic walking was rampant where I live. We had a genuine plague. Nowadays it's not so bad anymore, but not a week goes by without me seeing at least one of them douchebags. Glad to see it's not an international fad, though. So where do you live? Australia? US?

I'm curious... can anyone explain to me why this thread was removed from the articles & feedback board?

Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 11:14 pm
by Hellmark
Well, when I've used a walking stick, it was going up very steep hills, and I do sorta fit into the cripple category. I've been hit by two cars, so I do have some physical issues.

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 11:18 am
by Venomous
Generally I try not to walk at all when I can avoid it. Many, many people have advised me I should start - family, friends, and countless medical health professionals. I find it incredibly distasteful though, and am reluctant to start even though it could allegedly be the solution to many of my medical health issues. Suffice to say though, I will never, ever walk with ski poles. I have never seen a Nordic walker here in Australia, I guess we are blessed that such a lame pathetic trend hasn't caught on here yet, or at all. If I saw one though, I would likely be inclined to ask the driver of the car I am in to pull over, so I can punch the Nordic walker in the face many times.

I know many people who need a cane or a walking frame to walk due to disability or medical reasons, but none of those ever require ski poles. I say a jolly FUCK YOU to Nordic walkers, and may you never cross my path, you bunch of stupid asshats.