My father's table manners

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Jackie
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My father's table manners

Post by Jackie » Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:03 pm

No one eats as badly mannered as my father does. It's so bad, it sometimes makes me lose my appetite. Describing how he eats is like trying to explain what it's like to watch an attractive 20 year old girl have sex with an ugly, fat, hairy old man. It's not just gross to look at. It's appalling on a moral level too, it hurts your soul because it's wrong.

So first he starts by mashing his food over and over, flattening it, and digging his fork through his meal like a crane, then mashing, flattening and equalizing again. He could just stick his fork in the food and take a bite like most people do, but that would be too normal.
You can't ignore the level of aggressiveness in his movements. He doesn't just stick a piece of meat to his fork, no, he violently slices it off, stabs his fork with force into the meat like he's trying to kill it, then brings it to his mouth as quickly as possible, and finally snapping his mouth onto his fork similarly to how a dog snaps his beak when it grabs a treat from your hand. Watching him eat one might get the impression that he's worried someone's going to take the food from him. But we don't live in times where food is scare, we don't have to hunt down and kill our food anymore, so why would he eat like a paranoid animal? You might even think he's putting on an act, but he does it all the time.

As you probably guessed, he tends to eat with his mouth open. Not everyone minds, but to me this is one of the most objectionable things you can do as far as bad eating habits go.

He manages to eat desert in an vulgar way too. The only difference is there's no real aggression or haste when he eats custard. He eats it a lot slower than solid food. Of course he has to, because if he didn't, he'd smear all over the table and himself. But he has more tricks up his sleeve to disgust spectators: he cleans his spoon a lot, by licking it. He does it in such an exaggerated manner, sticking his tongue out too far and with an almost deliberate slowness carefully cleaning the whole surface, both back and front of the spoon. Maybe this doesn't sound filthy, but trust me, it is. It's the divisive and thorough way he strokes his tongue over the metal that makes it so unappealing, because you can see he is putting too much effort into it.

I don't know why, but he makes me think of a prehistoric man-ape.

But, you may think, you can just ignore it, right? Well, no. The disgusting nature of his table manners are not confined to what you can see. He offend your ears too with his barbaric habits. He sniffs, he grunts, he clears his throat very loudly, he licks, smacks with his mouth open, and most annoying of all, up to half an hour after finishing dinner he continues to smack and lick as a dog. Except a dog would stop after a minute or so. Sometimes it sounds like he's having trouble breathing as he forces too much food at once through his throat, and of course he keeps making foul animal sounds while doing so. It's disgusting.

Lately my mother has been giving him 'the look'. This is supposed to make him stop the moaning. When he snaps out of it, he's like ''Did I grunt? I didn't realize.''

My family likes to joke how we can't take him to a restaurant, but looking at the clowns who go out to eat, he doesn't even stand out. The worst part of it all, he doesn't realize any of this. He actually even accuses other people of bad table manners.

I'm not sure if this subject warrants a rant, but this sure annoys me.

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SuperEgo
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Post by SuperEgo » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:36 am

wow, I can definitely relate to this.

Except maybe the difference between us is that I have actually told my dad on many occasions that he is by no means my role model, and that if I were to rate his entire spectrum of personality traits and behavior out of 10, I would give him a zero in every single area.

Do you think I went too far?
Do you verbally critique your dad too, Jackie?

I think I should give a rant myself. Here goes:

1- He has an almost retarded sense of fashion, mixing colors in a most egregious way. He wears a buttoned up shirt with baggy pijama bottoms, and leather slippers that expose his toes.
2- He sits on the couch most of the day, and watches news. I have challenged him many times by asking him "How has your life changed after watching innumerable hours of news and politics?", to which his reply was "dad, I have to know what is going on around us".
It doesn't MATTER what is happening around us! He is filling his brain with useless bullshit, when instead he could be reading advanced psychology, working on a business idea, tweaking his humor skills by understanding the theoretical component of laughter, etc..
But no, he watches news and politics. All day. All the time.
3- He LETS himself be ridiculed by his wife and two daughters (and myself)
4- He snores. LOUDLY.
5- He keeps coming to me with a magazine, and asks me to read it. My reply is ALWAYS "no" in an irritated and vicious way. Yet he keeps doing it.
6- I am an atheist, yet he condescendingly keeps saying things like "In our religion, it is said that..."
To which I reply "By "our" religion, who are you implying?"
He adds "You and I. We have the same religion"
7- "Watching him eat one might get the impression that he's worried someone's going to take the food from him" (Precisely as you said)
8- When we're having lunch, he never brings his plate closer to the trey while scooping food, so as not to drip on the table. And every time, he drips. And every time, my mother tells him to bring his plate closer next time. And every time, he says "Yes dear"...
9- Every time he sips from his cup, he makes that awful, sharp, sipping noise. He knows that the whole family hates him for it. Yet he doesn't seem to have any self-monitoring capacity at all to stop doing it.
10- Despite being unemployed for the past 5 years, and doing nothing at all around the house besides sinking his ass print into the couch, he still has a mild patriarchal attitude towards his wife.

Every time I see my beautiful mother staring deeply into the far sky with her lovely green eyes, it always breaks my heart. I wonder, is she wondering what her life could have been like had she married someone who isn't a complete baboon?

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Jackie
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Post by Jackie » Thu Apr 16, 2015 12:33 pm

SuperEgo wrote:Do you think I went too far?
Do you verbally critique your dad too, Jackie?
I have never met your father, so it's hard to say. I do not criticize my own father, because even though he has some annoying tendencies, he does have his good sides. He's also kind of indifferent to his weaknesses, which in a certain way could be considered a good thing. Some people really don't like to be criticized and will throw a tantrum if you confront them about anything.
SuperEgo wrote:4- He snores. LOUDLY.
My father does too. He's a bit barbaric at times.

I'm probably in the wrong mood to reply to this right now, but most of what you described sounds kind of funny to me. Your father seems like a rather laid-back, careless man. A man without any real ambitions, without worries, and with a great deal of good fortune. That's... kind of admirable in a certain sense.
SuperEgo wrote:Every time I see my beautiful mother staring deeply into the far sky with her lovely green eyes, it always breaks my heart. I wonder, is she wondering what her life could have been like had she married someone who isn't a complete baboon?
Sometimes I feel the same way. There are times I thought my mother could have gotten someone better too, but these feeling are usually very short and fleeting. I realize all too well how likely she could have gotten someone who was far worse. The most important thing is that a husband and wife get along well. And my parent do, fortunately.

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Post by Venomous » Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:08 am

My father was, quite simply, an asshole. He had countless bad traits which I won't begin to list here, but suffice to say if I had ever dared point them out to him I would have met with the back of his hand. One time, post reprimand, I was tearfully commenting to a friend "He doesn't care about anybody but his fucking self!", and he overhead that and promptly took his belt to my ass. In retrospect, I wonder if he may have mistakenly heard "He can go fuck himself!", which would be a little more warranted. As it was, I felt that his punishment only served to prove my point further.

He died in 1995 and little did I know it back then, but it served to be the best thing that could have ever happened for my family. My mother grew into a strong, successful, independent woman who ended up starting her own successful business and buying her own lovely home, and my relationship with her flourished to the point where we are now very good friends as adults who love and respect each other - a parenting concept my father could never grasp. I've always believed in the creed "Courtesy is owed, respect is earned, love is given", but my father brought me up under the principle "Courtesy is owed, respect is owed, love is owed". He would force us to respond to his every command with "Yes, Dad", where "Dad" was only a thinly-veiled replacement for "Sir". It caused me to grow up resenting the word itself. He never earned my respect and I think he knew it. So instead he demanded it with a clenched fist which only resulted in him never earning it from me while he lived.

But I digress. It's Saturday night here and I should be working on my drinking. Suffice to say, you could have it worse, guys.
- Venomous -

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